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Who: Kieri
Where: Chaya
What: A letter to Aliam
Warnings: Lots of references to childhood abuse.
Word Count: 501
My Lord Aliam,
Although you are no longer my lord and I, in fact, am king here, I find I cannot begin this letter another way. You, who took in a half-starved child and made him family. I would not even write of these things, not even to you, were I not in need of some person to express this to. I cannot express it to my Lady Grandmother nor would I. I understand my duty, even if I find it unpalatable.
My Lady Grandmother in the interests of introducing me to prospective brides will hold a dinner for us, where I am – for want of a better term – on display. She sees to it that I am properly attired to play to the desires of the elf maiden who will be joining us that evening. The most recent maiden had a preference for autumn shades, thus my Lady Grandmother had an entire ensemble made to suit her likings. I felt as something of a fop, dressed in crimson and ochre.
At dinner, she will often place a hand on my shoulder when she introduces me. I keep finding myself waiting for her to name me Artfiel to these women and make the semblance complete. She does not mean it to be cruel, and that is the saving grace of these dinners.
I am but a child to these women, and I will remain such even when the sons of my sons marry. I see it in their eyes when they look at me, judging if they wish to be taken as my wife and Queen. I find myself dreading taking one of these women to my bed. What sort of man dreads taking a beautiful woman to his bed chambers?
There are nights, Aliam, where I find myself looking out the window of my chambers and seeing the forest around me and not knowing if I am a child or a man. I almost expect to hear screaming from the dungeon or his footfalls outside my door. How could such a thing still live so strongly in my mind? When I cannot sleep on nights like that, I find myself startling at the sound of guards walking their paths around the grounds. The thought that I have been discovered comes to me.
I hope you do not think me a coward. You know as well as anyone that fear has not been a factor since the time I came to live with you. Yet this preys on me night and day, the parallels between my life then and my life now. And while I will not shrink away from what I must do, there are times I must admit when I wish Paks had not discovered my past for me.
I do not doubt that these troubling thoughts and feelings will fade in time, as whatever wounds this affair has reopened heal over again. I will not trouble you with them repeatedly.
I remain always your friend and brother,
Kieri
Where: Chaya
What: A letter to Aliam
Warnings: Lots of references to childhood abuse.
Word Count: 501
My Lord Aliam,
Although you are no longer my lord and I, in fact, am king here, I find I cannot begin this letter another way. You, who took in a half-starved child and made him family. I would not even write of these things, not even to you, were I not in need of some person to express this to. I cannot express it to my Lady Grandmother nor would I. I understand my duty, even if I find it unpalatable.
My Lady Grandmother in the interests of introducing me to prospective brides will hold a dinner for us, where I am – for want of a better term – on display. She sees to it that I am properly attired to play to the desires of the elf maiden who will be joining us that evening. The most recent maiden had a preference for autumn shades, thus my Lady Grandmother had an entire ensemble made to suit her likings. I felt as something of a fop, dressed in crimson and ochre.
At dinner, she will often place a hand on my shoulder when she introduces me. I keep finding myself waiting for her to name me Artfiel to these women and make the semblance complete. She does not mean it to be cruel, and that is the saving grace of these dinners.
I am but a child to these women, and I will remain such even when the sons of my sons marry. I see it in their eyes when they look at me, judging if they wish to be taken as my wife and Queen. I find myself dreading taking one of these women to my bed. What sort of man dreads taking a beautiful woman to his bed chambers?
There are nights, Aliam, where I find myself looking out the window of my chambers and seeing the forest around me and not knowing if I am a child or a man. I almost expect to hear screaming from the dungeon or his footfalls outside my door. How could such a thing still live so strongly in my mind? When I cannot sleep on nights like that, I find myself startling at the sound of guards walking their paths around the grounds. The thought that I have been discovered comes to me.
I hope you do not think me a coward. You know as well as anyone that fear has not been a factor since the time I came to live with you. Yet this preys on me night and day, the parallels between my life then and my life now. And while I will not shrink away from what I must do, there are times I must admit when I wish Paks had not discovered my past for me.
I do not doubt that these troubling thoughts and feelings will fade in time, as whatever wounds this affair has reopened heal over again. I will not trouble you with them repeatedly.
I remain always your friend and brother,
Kieri
